Welcome to Black Woman Beautiful

​Hello you beautiful ladies! Welcome to the Open Hearts Unite conversation of Black Woman Beautiful! I've stared this conversation to support Black women specifically to maneuver and have health and safety in this racist, sexist world where Misogynoir [dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against Black women] runs rampant. We have the right to safety and love. We have the right to connect and learn from each other to create truly tender, safe and loving community. 

Black women feeling safe and being treated with tenderness is so rare I believe more in unicorns. 

The level of victim blaming placed on Black women is still deeply seated disturbing reality that America and globally people feel entitled to abuse us with.

Here I want to support us taking a stand and having the safety, love and tenderness in our life we deserve.

Black women deserve understanding. That's a full sentence that this world has so much work to do on. I want to support us recognizing the covert Misogynoir and racism of honeyed tongued people who are so quick to play victim if you tell them your needs. That's not a friend, that's not friendly, that's not love.

Many of you may already be clear on this and that's awesome! Please do add your experience to the conversation! For those of us that this has been a devastating and long journey of learning, it's important to validate each other rather than condemn. There's so much harm we are groomed for and groomed to take on. Here in Black Woman Beautiful we start, or enhance, the process of self care, respite, and detoxing from gaslighting and grooming of a white supremacy regime so we can have peace in our home and life. We are worth it.

​

​Another reason I wanted to create this conversation is to help Black women who have found themselves dating or married to a racist, heal and move forward in self love. I just recently escaped a domestic violence relationship with my ex fiance. He showed himself as a man who loved Black women, but he did it in a way that my "this is a fetish" alarm did not go off. He did it more covertly than I had the awareness of was possible at that time. He also isolated me, showed his true colors after I moved in with him and 2 years later, after using me in every way, including financially [he was supposed to be building his business], he ran out of supply and discarded me. I ended up fleeing and was homeless for 1 year with my teen and our emotional support dog. The past 3 years have been hell and I want to support Black women avoiding what I lived and if you have been unfortunate enough to be targeted by one of these undercover racists, I want to support you healing.

I have not seen one conversation online- and I searched but if you have seen it please email it to us via the "Contact Us" section I'm always open to resources!- about how to heal as a Black woman after dating a racist!

I felt just so much deep shame and felt so alone and it just magnified his narcissistic and racist abuse- which is redundant, racism is a form of un-managed narcissism it is a mental illness- and prolonged my process. I'm still working through aspects of it. In talking about it and supporting others away from the shame, which is victim blaming, that's part of my healing.

When I tried to talk to others about it, they were either unable to offer support because it wasn't something they experienced or I was victim blamed with "that's what you get for dating white men"...again, entitlement to victim blame Black women is in many different communities. Sadly including our own.

So, I'm here having a conversation that has been deemed so taboo to have because how dare Black women be victims right? It wasn't the racists fault, it was mine?

I unapologetically am starting this dialogue. I know I'm not the only one. You don't deserve to be alone in this and I want to support you healing and to having tools to be able to hopefully spot the dangerous covert narcissist racist who may target your heart. 

Whether you choose to no longer date white men- which is your right- or you choose to stay open to other ethnicities in dating, I want to arm you with a starter kit of what you need to stay safe.

I have been told very cruel things by people, including people who I formerly considered friends- emphasis on the formerly- in regards to having dated white men. Again, Misogynoir, they feel so entitled to talk to us however they feel as if we are not human or they are owed dominating Black women. The last cruel thing someone- who is decidedly no longer in my life- was "you're just not about Black men huh?" First, she was not a Black woman, which is a massive red flag. Next, a Black woman is the only one who can ask me if there's something there for me because she is a Black woman, and in a kind manner, which I have had Black women ask. No, there is not something there for me regarding dating Black men, they are beautiful and have been my ideal. I was pointedly looking for all ethnicities and an emphasis on Black men. My ex fiance even commented on how he was not my type with what I was looking for. I'm someone who stays open to my heart so I thought I'd follow that and be open to an ethnicity I was not seeking. After this severe psychological, financial and emotional abuse I completely swore off dating white men, and was like hell no never again uh uh, goodbye. But...then I met my partner, who is a white trans man who actually is anti-racist [not those who pretend to be as a lure, I'll be speaking more on that on our Eradicating Comfortable Whiteness podcast] and heavily anti-fascist and is also a DID system [find out more about my DID System and what DID is here]. He himself, beyond his ethnicity has become my ideal. It's a beautiful, healthy and respectful relationship and for the first time ever I'm experiencing not being yelled at or degraded. Beyond that, he treats me like a princess and a Queen.  

I was so groomed for abuse from being trafficked starting in childhood and from being mixed Black and Puerto Rican/Taino Indigenous and growing with my racist Puerto Rican ex-relatives who hated black people, and from being abused with incest. The severe narcopathic behavior of my ex was so normalized for me. I grew up as the only black person in our "family"- I prefer the term ex-relatives. Family is what I have chosen now, and my mom. 

So, if you do choose to be open to all ethnicities, you have that right too. Basically, whatever is authentic for you- you have a right to! Fuck what other people say, for real. And sooo fuck shame when it comes to love. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

It's not just in white men where racists are hiding either, that can be in other ethnicities and while I cannot specifically speak to that, as an overarching conversation, there are red flags to watch out for because these men- or whatever gender you are open to!- will know how to manipulate on such a devious level I am consistently shocked people can be. I'm a survivor of trafficking so, I know how cruel and gruesome people can get and unfortunately, I was still unprepared for the level of insidiousness of the abuser I fled. In this fascist regime, Black women we have to be even more careful and safe.

You're not alone in this anymore. I'm here for the uncomfortable conversations and to support you protecting yourself, combating Misogynoir and racist gaslighting and grooming from any avenue it comes from.

You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are loved and you deserve safety. Your voice matters, your anger is valid, your tears deserve care, your pain is real and you deserve the utmost tenderness- always!

I love you beautiful Black woman! Cannot wait to share more with you!

So very much deep love,

~Kristal